Breaking the Generational Struggle with Body Image

BY : CAROLINE SCHNEIDER

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If you haven’t read part one of this series, I encourage you to do that here: https://freedandflourishingco.com/2023/07/01/starting-the-conversation-around-body-shame/.

I deemed this a conversation for a reason, and my vision is for it to be read in the order I wrote it. My hope is to continue this chat beyond just you reading this on the other side of the screen – more on that to come. So here’s a gentle nudge to head to part one first if you haven’t yet 🙂

I’ll never forget the time my grandmother told me there were days in high school that she ate only one grapefruit a day. In that moment something clicked in me, and it all made sense. My struggle with my body, my mom’s struggle with her body, and my grandmother’s struggle with her body are the effect of a generational struggle that was passed down. Through observation and conversations with her, it became clear to me that from a young age she had picked up this belief that her body needed to look a certain way in order to be valued– a belief that led to nearly starving herself for days at a time. 

My heart felt, and still feels, sad for that girl the same way my heart feels sad for my younger self who took on that same belief. You can probably guess where this part of the conversation is going…the lies we believe and the inner struggles we mentally fight oftentimes exist because of a generational cycle within our families. So what do we do with this, and more importantly how do we change it? 

I think the first step is acknowledging this within your family and embracing forgiveness where bitterness has been harbored. This is the beginning of freedom in my opinion.  This realization has helped me be able to start looking at this struggle through the eyes of empathy rather than anger. It was my mom’s human experiences that led her to pass this down to me through comments that were hurtful. The same is true for my grandmother.  In recognizing this generational cycle, I was able to see both of them through the eyes of grace and dream about how to change that for our family moving forward. Because of these lies, I know both of them felt less than in their bodies just like I have. It’s a destructive cycle that must be recognized within your family. It is the only way to bring forth change.

Next, recognize the patterns of how this has played out in your life. Reflect on painful moments you remember from your past that played a role in instilling this belief in you and speak the truth over those moments. Make a choice to do things differently with your kids. My daughter Darcy is two, and from the day we found out it was a girl (for us that was the day she was born), I was committed to do what I could to break this cycle for her sake and the sake of generations to come. Honesty moment – I am aware this is very much a cultural struggle, and I know she will be  exposed to the worldly push for a perfect body. BUT I know what she hears in her home will hold the most weight – the words her dad and I speak over her are what will matter most. 

Remind your kids often of their innate worth and value. Darcy and I say the same affirmations every night: “I am brave. I am kind. I am loved. I have purpose. God is always with me. Mommy and Daddy are always on my team.” And then we sing the same blessing over her every night. What’s really beautiful is now she repeats these words after me and sings the blessing with me. These are the words I want instilled in her , the words she will carry with her. I want to ask you to think about the words you heard on this matter. Are they words you want your kids to hear? We must practice thoughtfulness before we speak if we want change. So much of our natural instinct is based on our childhood upbringing, so take note of it and see how you can pivot to break the cycle. 

My next encouragement  is stop focusing so much on outward appearance, just do it. One of the ways I knew this was a generational struggle for my family is how much physical appearance, dieting, skinny talk, etc is mentioned within family conversations. My body has always struggled with weight fluctuation, and being  “skinnier” has always taken work on my end. Some seasons of my life I have felt very motivated in this, and it was noticed by people in my family. When I would be around them the first thing I would hear is, “you look good!” and although this has made me “feel good”, it also influenced the emphasis on outward appearance for me. I touched on this in part one of this conversation, but what would it look like if the first thing I would have heard was: “How has your day been? What is something new that is going on in your life that I am not aware of?” This simple shift would have made such a difference for my still developing mind and help me believe I matter even more than how my body looks. That is one of my goals to make this shift for my family…never acknowledge the outward first. Always, always lean into what is going on inside first. This simple act will make a difference, I promise. 

In order for this to happen, you may have to vocalize certain expectations and boundaries with your family around this topic. For me, it has been having conversations where I’ve shared, “I don’t want to talk about body improvement, dieting, or negative talk about bodies around Darcy. We are teaching her that her body is good and beautiful just as it is, and we don’t want to confuse her.” I also am always paying attention to conversations and removing her from spaces  that go against the truth I’ve been teaching her. Sometimes it’s as simple as removing and other times it’s saying, “Can we talk about something else?” 

Lastly, I want you to ask yourself, “How would I define health?” Be honest with yourself, think about your upbringing and reflect on that question. If your initial answer has to do with your outward appearance then you most likely have a skewed view of health. I would have definitely fallen into that category when I first started my journey of pursuing freedom from body shame. Since then, I have learned a great deal about “health” and now have a completely different perspective of what defines healthiness. Because I now know better, I know these are the conversations I will focus on with my daughter and her own health. I also try to teach her by example instead of always using words. Both of these are important, but I want her to watch me pursuing healthiness and organically bring her into that through our family’s natural rhythms. If you want to learn more about what I’ve learned about being healthy, stay tuned because that is where this chat is headed next! 

To wrap this up, I want to remind you: you are not defined by the way your body looks, the number on a scale, or the size of clothing you wear. Our culture has led us to believe these things matter most (and it is okay to be aware of these things), BUT it is not what defines you. It is a part of health but not what measures your health. I want us to stack hands on making the shift for the sake of our sons and daughters and generations to come. I feel hopeful for my family. I feel gratitude for the awareness I have in this area and for the commitment I’ve made to break the generational cycle. You can do the same for your family as well, and I want you to know I believe in you! I am sorry for how your body has felt less than and how that belief has defined you. I am excited to pivot together and be on this journey towards body freedom with you. You can feel free in this area, and oh how I know it will be worth it!