Choosing Your Friends in Adulthood
BY : JULIA, TAYLOR, KATIE, EMILY
We recently shared a post on instagram from a few different women on what intentionality in friendship looks like. We decided to expand on this and asked these women to share some more thoughts on this topic! These four women are different ages, in different seasons of life, and live in various places. We hope that what you gather from this is that there is no one specific right way to do friendship, but lots of good ways. Figure out what works for you and then lean in. We were created for life TOGETHER, and in adulthood that is just as (if not more) vital and also can be more challenging. Be encouraged, however, that it’s possible! With time and intention, honest and true adult friendship are available for each of us.
What does it mean to you to choose your friends?
“Personally I think that choosing friends is a very organic process for me. I have to actively put myself in settings where I may not know many and then as I get to know people I think you just know the people you click with. Life is too short to try to appease or make things work with people and we have to have boundaries when we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with others. Generally this looks like women in similar life stages as me, but also sometimes not.” – Katie
“For me, choosing friends is more than choosing people you can get along with, but it is choosing the people that you want to do life with. It is so important to choose people who push me towards my goals, walk with me through really tough situations, and who I can call on a whim. Choose the people that are full of truth and grace.” -Julia
“As I understand this question for me choosing friends is carving out time to be in community with them (in person or virtually).” -Emily
“I think in life you may not always get to choose your friends, but what we can do is choose intentionality with the people who come into our lives. For example, there are people you grew up with that you could have been close to forever, then there are people you get close to because of communities you join or are apart of, or even people around you at work, etc. – all people that you may not haven strictly “chosen”, but can choose intentionality with them. I think it is about having a posture of openness to whoever does come into your life, no matter how, and being intentional with those people. That’s how friendships are formed.” -Taylor
What obstacles do you think adult friendships face, and how do you work to overcome those?
“In my life stage we have entered our kids wanting to hang out with their friends. So that doesn’t always allow for me to be around the adults I want or would choose to spend my time with. I think ultimately it is combated by actively reaching out to each other even if we don’t see each other! It also means intentionally planning time together and always making space for each other mentally. Whether that is just a “I’m sorry I can’t answer fully right now, but I love you and I see you” or sometimes you have the bandwidth to dive into moments with each other.” -Katie
“When you’re doing life with people, you are going to run into conflict. Even though you are walking with each other, your own responsibilities don’t stop. You can walk through life together all we want, but finding the time to stop walking and just be together, or even just walk and talk at the same time, is really hard. Life is crazy and managing time is one massive obstacle. The way to overcome this is by simply planning. Plan as far in advance as possible. Plan a call, a trip, or just a lunch together.” -Julia
“Obstacles are mostly differing schedules, distance, and maybe friends not fulfilling the love language that fills you up the most. Or if a childhood friend turns into an adult friend, there could be obstacles in not growing with each other. Overcoming these take a lot of intentionality and the commitment to keep showing up and being there even in different seasons and stages of life. For me there is a lot of loneliness, especially with my friends that are not nearby. Jealousy can easily creep in as well. Overcoming the loneliness and jealousy is an ongoing process of building trust and contentment.” -Emily
“The greatest obstacle in adult friendships can honestly be yourself. For me, I tend to overthink things and can feel like I’m a bother to those around me. I can get in my head about all the things I’ve said “wrong,” or thinking I’ve come off as annoying, or I can easily fall into comparison. I think the way to overcome this is to work to become more confident in your true self. To be vulnerable and give your friends space to be vulnerable too!” -Taylor
How do you practically pursue your friends nearby? What about far away?
“My friend group close by is rather small and that is intentional. Life is crazy and I only have so much capacity. I think we have to let ourselves off the hook a little when it comes to this. I try to reach out to friends by phone weekly and make sure I am keeping up with life. This also may look like dropping off a coffee, going on a spontaneous walk, a quick phone call. It can look different depending on the situation or day. With long distance friends this looks like actively planning calls or visits. Sending letters or care packages every now and then. It looks like staying engaged with each other and cheering each other on. I honestly count it a gift to call my friends, friends.” -Katie
“I practically pursue my friends nearby by keeping my word. So often being in college, I run into my friends in the cafeteria or walking to class, and my go to phrase is “lets grab a meal,” but I had a bad habit freshman year of not actually following through. Now when I say that to people, I practice texting them then and there to plan something. Also, I have decided what friendships I want to give my time to. Realizing that I can’t have 25 super deep and intentional friendships has helped me to pursue those 5 intentional friendships so much more. For long distance friends, like I said before, plan plan plan. And if you can’t plan, as soon as you think about them, text them. Just let them know that you love them and ask how they’re doing. Or call them and leave a message. Intentionality shows itself in the little moments, so make those little moments happen as often as possible!” -Julia
“For both nearby and far away, it’s all about keeping communication open. Texting, setting up calls, Marco Polo. Checking in on friends and trying to show up in every season.
For nearby friends getting together in person, having a meal, connecting and living life in the day to day. Far away looks like planning trips to see them, sending packages and letters, and lots of texts and calls. Being intentional in friendship is key. Showing up and really leaning in and being there, even if “there” is through a text.” -Emily
“One way to practically pursue your friends nearby is to invite them into what you’re already doing. As a Mom, I invite my other mom friends along with me for whatever we’re doing, whether that’s taking the kids to open gym, making a Target run, or inviting them over for a play date. And with my friends that don’t have kids, I try to make intentional time to go out with them. And it’s nice for me to have a kid free night every once in a while too 🙂 For friends far away, I think it’s important to be intentional on checking in with them, whether that’s through texting or Marco Polo or a call. And if you’re able, planning a time for them to come in and stay with you or you going to them! Adult sleepovers are still fun. Putting the kids to bed and getting to stay up and talk/play games is so great!” -Taylor
If you take two things away from this blog post, we hope that it is that friendship matters deeply and that it’s okay for it to change with the seasons! It’s necessary even. We need different people for different seasons of life, so look at the people in front of you, choose to lean in, and watch what happens.
Also, if you haven’t listened yet, the second episode of our podcast was all about the importance of friendship and you can listen here! We are planning to continue to expand on this topic in our podcast because it truly is the heartbeat of what we do here. Friendship matters and you are worthy of it!
