The Beauty of Longterm Friendships
by: Anna Booth
We were never made to live life alone.
I think you feel that in your bones.
We live in a world that has never been more connected or more lonely. Community can be hard to come by and yet we all crave it.
I’m not talking about online community or coworkers or gym buddies, although those have their place and their own value. I’m talking about in the trenches, randomly drop your kids off for the afternoon, show up with coffee and a shoulder to cry on, remember that date on the calendar as an important one, stay up late even though your baby will be up early because you can’t stop belly laughing type of community.
This kind doesn’t just happen, but it’s what we were created for. We were created to be known and loved and seen. We were created for raw and honest vulnerability. We were created to celebrate each other, grieve with one another, and break bread together.
There’s a type of friendship that uncomparably makes space for all of this. Long term friendship.
The friends who know what your childhood bedroom looks like or the dinners and game nights shared in your first married apartment. They know your siblings’ names and how old their kids are. The friends who know who you have been and celebrate who you have become. The friends who have stayed.
Our world is not built for these types of friendships. Our culture likes quick fixes and fads and vulnerability only to the extent that it benefits us.
Long term friendship takes grit and perseverance, loyalty, and a willingness to adjust as life changes.
My life has been changed by long term friendship. Let me tell you about one of these friends.
Her name is Jordan and she’s one of my very favorite humans. We’ve actually never lived in the same place other than the 3 months we shared a room at the discipleship school where we met.
Not only has she been one of my friends for the longest amount of time, but we have also pressed on through long distance. We know this is unique and we continue to fight for it.
We’ve walked through many life seasons together – dating, engagement, marriage, 3 kids on the outside and 2 more on the inside. Life has changed a lot in the span of the 8 years we’ve been friends and we’ve had to adapt. We don’t talk as often as we used to and our visits are fewer and further between, but we choose to continue to make it work. Why? Because we’ve been changed and strengthened by one another, and we know that doesn’t come around often.
My friendship with Jordan is one of the spaces I feel the most known. Some of that is mere time, but most of that is intentional conversation. Asking questions, checking in just because, sending photos and videos to share a glimpse of day to day life, remembering the important dates and following up, and asking questions about something previously mentioned. We share the joys and the struggles and the growth and everything in between. We see the good in each other and call it out. We celebrate the wins – big and small. We make the time for conversation and visits. We choose to have the hard conversations because we love each other too much to let anything hurtful go unspoken.
This particular friendship has been instrumental in teaching me how to choose who I give my time to. As my capacity has changed with the changing seasons, there has been some hard lessons learned.But I’ve learned the most loving thing I can do for myself and my family is giving time and energy to the people who love me in my mess and also hold me accountable to who they know I can be. I am a healthier version of myself for being seen and loved by a friend that knows me.
I could go on and on about what Jordan’s friendship means to me, but I want to honor her by sharing some of her own words on long term friendship (if you know her, tell her she doesn’t give herself enough credit when it comes to writing) –
“Having a long-term friendship is having a cheerleader. It’s knowing there is someone always in your corner – through the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. It’s one of the most beautiful relationships because it’s not someone that has to be there – sister, spouse, mother, cousin, etc. – it’s someone who wants to, gets to, and chooses to be there.
My friendship with Anna has shaped me in many ways – it has given me a confidence unlike any other friendship. She has seen me through many seasons and has been able to speak life, truth, and goodness as years go on. Small things, yes, but the beauty of a long-term friendship is the big picture stuff she can see and show me that I sometimes can’t see myself. She has been able to point out reoccurring lies and unhealthy trends and knows how to be there in hard seasons without me having to say a word.
It takes a great deal to fight for long term friendships. Things change, people change, seasons change. You blink and suddenly have 5 kids between the two of you. But it usually just starts with showing up. A simple text, phone call, or letter to say hey. It takes showing up because once you find your people, you hold on tight! It takes grace and knowing that you are both tired and have small children. You don’t have the time to talk every day or even every week. It takes being creative to find pockets of your day to voice memo and send pictures. It takes being willing to get in a car and drive 8 hours for the adventures ahead.
Healthy long term friendship looks like being a giver and a receiver. It looks like receiving the goodness your friend has to offer while also putting in the effort to intentionally and genuinely show up for each other. It requires both friends to BE friends. It can’t be one sided. Sure, there are seasons where one of us has been tired and had nothing to give, but that’s when the other has shown up in the trenches. It looks like sharing life updates – unasked! You don’t have to wait for your friend to ask you ‘how you’re doing’, or ‘what’s new’ – just tell them when you want to! Believe it or not, I almost *never* see things on the internet about Anna that she hasn’t first told me about and vice versa. It’s having conversations, talking, listening, and remembering to follow up.
Our friendship has lasted the test of time because we know what battles we want to fight, we know what hills we are willing to die on, and we know the rest is a big ole’ adventure we get the privilege of being there for. That doesn’t mean little things don’t matter in the moment – we’ve had the hard conversations, talked through disagreements, followed up and asked ‘what did you mean by that?’, etc. But at the end of the day, we are both in the same boat, rowing the same direction, cheering each other on every step of the way.”
My heart in sharing all of this is to show you what’s possible and also that it takes work. Very, very worth it work. There is nothing more life-giving than a friend that knows you and chooses to stay.
Maybe you already have a friendship (or two) like this. I’m so glad! Here’s your gentle reminder to keep fighting for them. Maybe you don’t have this, but you crave it. Can I tell you something? It’s out there for you. You’re worthy of it. And it can start today with you.
Reach out to that friend you’ve wanted to get to know better, say hi to that mom at the park, or offer to bring a meal to the friend you know is struggling.
Are you ready to take some next steps towards more intentional friendship but feeling intimidated? We’ve got you. You can grab our free connections guide which provides some practical and simple steps to take to begin to foster healthy, honest, and hopefully long-term friendships!
You can do this, friend. You were made for this.
