What We Learned in the Low Places

BY : SHELBY MILLER

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My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we got married. I was a fun, spontaneous, full of faith, glass always half full kinda girl. Fast forward to our wedding day…we had dreams and goals and plans to see the world, change the world, and have so much fun doing it! A month after our wedding, my grandmother passed away in a very traumatic way. I was working as an ICU nurse at the time, and every time I went to work I relived the trauma. Anytime a patient started to crash, I exhibited PTSD-like symptoms. I would go home and collapse. On my days off, I stayed in bed, canceled plans and dreaded going back to work.

My husband told me later that he felt completely helpless during that time. How do you begin to navigate the trenches of depression as a new husband? Tough love? Tons of grace? Counseling? Doctors? Do you tell family? Where do you even begin?

When you are in the middle of a low season, it clouds everything. You can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. You might not see how your depression is affecting those around you, and you certainly can’t just pull yourself up out of the darkness on your own. You need people, and having a supportive spouse during that season might be one of the greatest gifts and most powerful weapons. Logan stepped up to the plate and carried us through some of the scariest months of my life. He tenderly walked the line between graciousness and making me get help. Once we were on the other side of that season (because someday you WILL be out of this valley), Logan and I sat down and made a list of things we wish we would’ve known. Here’s what we learned…

What I wish I could say when I’m struggling:

• let me tell you why I’m feeling what I’m feeling

• make plans for us to do fun things together and with other people…do not let me stay home

• remind me that you love me even when giving you 100% looks different

• remind me that this is temporary and has a purpose

What I have to remember when you are struggling:

• her depression doesn’t mean something is wrong with me or our marriage

• it’s okay if what I do to try and cheer her up doesn’t fix it

• it’s not my job to fix this, it is my job to support her through it

• it will not always be like this, and I’m thankful I get to be the one walking through it with her 

Mental health can be scary and overwhelming, especially as a spouse. I hope our story encourages you to hold on, to lean in, and to do everything you can to support each other during this season. It’s you and your spouse against depression…you are a team and you will make it through!