The Gentleness of God
BY : SHELBY MILLER
At 19 years old, I was sitting in my dorm room just weeks before finishing my freshman year of college confused about what the future had for me. I had grown up in church and learned a lot about God, but college had changed some things. I was lonely, in a mess of a relationship, living in a different country from my family, and struggling with my purpose. I had a relationship with Jesus and had already made plans to serve overseas on the mission field, but I felt there was more to Him that I both wanted and needed. I prayed the boldest prayer I have ever prayed. “God, I want to know parts of your character I have never known, even if it means going through things that force me to rely on you.”
When we pray bold prayers, He answers us. Not always how we want, but always how we need.
As I prayed that prayer, I was in the midst of an ugly, verbally abusive relationship that was getting worse by the day. I decided to end that relationship, and I had to rely on the Truth that God was my strength and my shepherd. My parents were thousands of miles away serving in Honduras, and I was in the loneliest days of my life. God and I walked several hard years of healing together after that one. I learned He was my friend in that really hard season.
While I was in my junior year of college, in the thick of nursing school, confused about what I was doing with my life and wanting so badly to go home, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I can confidently say this was the hardest battle of my life thus far. It lasted for years. I was off and on different medications, walking through counseling, and had many scary nights I thought I wouldn’t make it through. Jesus often felt like all I had. I learned in that season He was my protector, comforter, peace, and strength.
There have been many times God has reminded me of parts of His character. I am taken back to the year before we moved to Honduras – someone very close to me was at the doctor when they found a mass in her abdomen. We all hit our knees and prayed. If you don’t believe God still performs miracles, allow me to remind you: she went back for the CT and to our surprise, the mass was gone. That day I was reminded God is a healer.
A part of God I have never specifically looked for or realized is His gentleness… until this year. A big part of my anxiety came from working in the medical field. Good thing I have a doctorate and made a career of hanging out in hospitals and doctor’s offices, right? My first job sent me into the worst two years of anxiety I have ever experienced. I was an ICU nurse and taking care of some of the sickest patients in the Southeast. I couldn’t “fix” them, and it was wrecking me. During that time, I was working on my doctorate to be a Family Nurse Practitioner, and I felt God leading me towards serving in Honduras. I finished school in 2021, and we moved here the next year. Everyone was expecting me to open a clinic as soon as we got here, but my anxiety was under control for the first time in awhile, and I was terrified to risk that.
This past January we were praying about this year, and I felt this nudge that I was holding too tightly to my degree. I told God that I would let it go or allow Him to use it if it was His will… I was in a posture of true surrender. Within a few weeks I had friends call me asking about medical teams, nursing interns, and what a clinic could look like. I walked through the villages we have been working in for years, and the medical needs seemed to emerge from every conversation. I found myself asking why nobody was doing anything about it, and then it hit me that maybe I was supposed to be a part of that. My friends were struggling with diabetes and high blood pressure. The students I serve were battling anxiety. God was gently guiding me to His work for me and giving me a passion for what He was calling me into. He has asked me to do some pretty hard stuff over the years, things other people would usually run from, but this was the first time he called me to something that truly scared me.
We have our first medical team coming in November. As scary as that feels to say out loud, I’m thankful to know His gentleness and kindness. The way He walks beside us at our own pace, meeting us in our weakness while calling us deeper into His purposes will never not be amazing to me. I have a lot of gratitude for the way He let me see the need before calling me to be a part of meeting it. The way He waits on me and my prone to wandering heart is such a beautiful part of His character. He didn’t rush me or push me. He just sat beside me as I figured it out and learned to trust Him.
If you are reading this, there’s a chance you are walking through something difficult right now. Maybe it’s financial strain, maybe someone you love is sick, or maybe you are fighting for your marriage. Maybe you got your dream job, and it’s not been so dreamy. Maybe you have two under 2, and you can’t remember your purpose outside of diapers and feedings. Maybe you’re lonely or depressed or angry. Maybe you don’t know what your next step is, or you feel like you’ve just taken a wrong turn. Whatever your season and your trial, I encourage you to lean into the character of God. If you need comfort, get to know Him as your comforter. If you need provision, get to know Him as your provider. If you need someone to guide your path, allow Him to be your shepherd. The greatest decision I ever made was getting to know Him. All of Him. The parts that seemed too big for me or too far off. The parts of Him I read about but had never experienced. There is always more of our gentle Father, and He calls us deeper and deeper.
And like any good friend, it keeps getting better.
