I Need Not Wait for the Danger
BY : CAROLINE SCHNEIDER
“I need not wait for the danger… it takes me away from today.”
I was sitting at my computer, my counselor on the other side of the screen, while she gently spoke these words that struck a deep cord within me. I paused her and asked her to repeat it. I wrote them on an index card that would sit staring at me for days at my desk. This became a daily mantra for me or, as I like to call it, a battle cry. After all, that’s what mental health often feels like– a daily battle, a war in your mind that only you show up to fight for.
My anxiety comes in waves. Sometimes the waves are subtle and manageable while other times, I feel like I’m being pulled under and struggling to find air. This latest wave was the latter. It all started after I lost my first grandparent a few days before Thanksgiving. Some of my final moments with her were watching her body suffer from not being able to get enough oxygen . In the days and months that followed, my mind felt out of control. I couldn’t get that image out of my head . I would wake up feeling like my heart was beating out of my chest. I had chest pain, headaches, loss of appetite, insomnia, and lots and lots of racing thoughts. I felt like a stranger in my own body. And no matter what I did, it wouldn’t go away.
Then one normal day while I was on a date with my husband, my eyes started feeling weird and my vision blurred. I remember panicking internally while blinking and wiping my eyes to see if it would go away. I thought surely I would wake up the next morning, and it would be normal. But, it wasn’t. Months went by, and my vision was still off . I’ll never forget sitting in church one Sunday, my body shaking, tears falling down my eyes, and feeling so scared about what was happening in my body. I begged God to heal me. Morning after morning, I would wake up and realize my eyes were still off, and I would cry many tears of desperation. After a visit to the ER and multiple appointments with my optometrist and PCP, I heard over and over “everything looks okay”. On one hand, it was relieving to hear and on the other, it left me without an answer I was earnestly searching for. Turns out there is a pretty big link between your eyes and chronic anxiety.
Although this has been a big part of my life the past few months, this post isn’t about my health journey, but rather about a realization I’ve had on the journey. I’ve learned in this process that my anxiety stems from fear of suffering in my own body and my life ending too soon due to health issues. I fear not being there for my husband and kids. Most would refer to this as “health anxiety”. Common traits of a “health anxiety” individual is googling symptoms anytime you feel off, diagnosing yourself with multiple things, searching for an answer and visiting different kinds of doctors, etc. I do this because I so desperately want to feel “fixed” and be relieved of the anxious and fearful thoughts.
But all this “searching” for an answer is actually keeping me from living my life today and enjoying the little joys in front of me. It causes me to miss out on laughter with my family, enjoying yummy food, evenings out with friends, and experiencing the abundance of a life that I know exists. Ironically this “obsession” actually exacerbated the very thing I was trying to find relief from– anxiety. This realization has been life changing for me. It took bravery to acknowledge this in myself, and it takes bravery to daily choose to fight my own mind and make choices that actually help me heal.
What this practically looks like for me is taking deep breaths in and exhaling out, avoiding google, using my senses when I start to feel a rush of anxious thoughts (wiggling my fingers and toes, crossing my arms, blinking my eyes, noticing what I smell, etc), counseling, praying, listening to worship music, reading verses, and taking medication. I also repeat things out loud a lot. “I may or may not have _______ and if I do, I will ________.” There is a lot of power in acknowledging the fear. A real example I worked through with my counselor with my blurry vision: “I may or may not have MS and if I do, I will find an incredible doctor to help treat me. I’ll have a support team that will walk that path with me. I’ll trust God who has never failed me. I will be okay”. Just this simple exercise causes a shift in my brain and helps bring me back to my current reality.
I’m on a healing journey, and I don’t know if I’ll ever fully arrive until I meet Jesus one day. But there’s a mysterious beauty within that reality that keeps me moving forward with hope. I am okay today. Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow will bring, but today I will lean into the joys around me. I refuse to miss today. Because it is sacred, and I will fight to stay present.
“I need not wait for the danger…it takes me away from today.” Repeat that after me. Write it down if you need to. Remind yourself of it often. Recognize the tendencies you have that are not helpful and be brave enough to make a healthy shift. One choice at a time. Keep pressing on, friend.
