Healing and the Holidays
By: Shelby Miller
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Except when it isn’t. Healing is hard work, and for some of us, the holidays can honestly make it harder. Why is that and what can we do about it?
First of all, if you are thinking “YES! I’m not the only one!”, I’m so glad you’re here.
A study by the National Alliance on Mental Illness found that 64% of people with mental illness feel their condition worsens over the holidays. So hear me say, you are not alone.
If you are anything like me, it helps to know why I find myself taking steps back during this season. Why do I feel like all the progress I’ve made the past several months has suddenly halted? Why am I reverting back to old tendencies? Let’s have an honest chat about some real things you face over the holidays.
1. Family – maybe we can just end the list there. Family is amazing and yet so hard at the same time! So many personalities, so many opinions (most of which are voiced out loud), and so much history. Family can be a really difficult part of the holiday season because they bring with them expectations for who they think you are supposed to be. Your aunt might pick up on the conversation you were having last Christmas. You know the one you have been working through in counseling but haven’t quite healed from? Maybe grandma is asking when you’re gonna have kids and you are still processing a miscarriage. Maybe it’s your cousin offering you a drink like always, but you are recovering from an addiction. Our family often has no idea the power of their words, the journey we have been on, or our emotional state.
2. Change of Routine – you have effectively created a morning routine that helps you get out of bed in the morning. You have a rhythm to help you practice gratitude. You have a place you stop on the way to work to grab your favorite coffee. You have your thing and then suddenly, it changes. And even if you don’t recognize how much your routine has helped in your healing, changing it can be hard on you mentally and emotionally.
3. Comparison – whether it’s Christmas cards, new years proposals, or extravagant gifts you couldn’t afford to give, comparison creeps in. Everyone else’s instagram feed is so much better than yours – their Christmas celebrations seem more festive and their families happier. And you just keep on scrolling and scrolling as your mom and sister are yelling down the stairs. Comparison just seems to be a little louder around the Holidays. But can I tell you a secret? Every single person on your instagram is struggling in some way. You’re only seeing tiny glimpses. So I encourage you to put the phone down, let your mind rest a bit, and remember we’re all human together.
4. Triggers – this is hard, there’s no other way to say it. Sometimes the things you witness, the conversations you have, and the people you share a meal with are the exact people who your wounded self is trying to heal from. You moved across the country to have space from that person, that house, that town..and now you’re right back in it. Recognize this and be gracious with yourself.
Okay, now that you are screaming holly jolly Christmas at the top of your lungs and wishing Christmas could be canceled, take a deep breath. We can do this! Let’s talk about some ways to stay healthy and keep healing during this holiday season.
1. Have boundaries. You are the onlyyyy person in charge of your life. If going home for Thanksgiving is going to send you spiraling and undo a year’s worth of work, that’s your decision to make. (Obviously married friends, that is a joint decision, but you get my point). But it is also possible to have boundaries and be present with your family. Call your mom and tell her to please not ask about grandkids. When your cousin asks if you want a beer, kindly turn him or her down with, “I don’t drink anymore”. You get to make the rules. Walk away when needed. Draw the appropriate boundary lines and do not let anyone walk on top of you. You are worth it!
2. Be honest about it. Tell a healthy friend before you go and check in with them. Set up a counseling session right after the holidays. Have someone to call if things get a little messy. Be mindful if you notice yourself bottling up emotions or becoming numb. Part of healing is learning to be around your triggers. Others may not be self aware of the harm they have caused you, but I think what’s important is you being able to recognize what you need in your own healing journey and having a safe person to share that with along the way.
3. Be okay with a plateau. Give yourself some grace when it comes to the healing process. When you go to counseling in January, it may feel like you have gone backwards. It’s okay if you have to talk through things you have already worked on. You’re in counseling, you’re taking steps, and you are healing! Healing is not linear. This is part of the process.
The holidays are a beautiful, crazy time of year. It is not always sugar cookies and hot cocoa, but if we recognize that going in, we can set ourselves up well! Give yourself grace this season. And also, give grace to your crazy aunt, the lady at the post office, the girl with the perfect life on your insta feed – you never know where they are in their own healing process. You are strong and you are worth it. Keep pressing forward, friend.
