To Tell Me is to Show Me You Love Me
BY HANNAH HUTTON
I didn’t get to pick my mother-in-law, and she didn’t get to pick me. It sounds weird to say, but the reality is that I chose her son, and he chose me. People talk about choosing friends who become like family, but what about the people who become family, and then you must choose whether or not to lean in and become friends?
My mother-in-law is someone who is kind, intentional, humble, a prayer warrior, and a planner. Honestly? We are different in so many ways, and at the same time, she is a lot of things I wish I was. I would trust her to plan a large scale event without missing a single detail. I admire how she plans a Thanksgiving meal while being attentive to what our kids currently will or won’t eat. I admire the intentionality in the way she plays along and sends a letter “from” my son’s favorite character as if it were the character himself. I admire her thoughtfulness to reach out and ask for dates when they can come visit to be in our kids lives, amidst her busy teaching schedule. Her texts asking “How can I be praying for you this week?” feel like a hug from afar.
I think when we first got married, I saw her as just “mother-in-law”. I loved her and enjoyed spending time together. And at the same time I think it was almost as if I kept her in that box and didn’t invite a deeper relationship. As time progressed, I was able to honestly look at my own heart and continue working through wounds I have with my own mother. I have been able to feel my heart soften towards her. I have moved towards her with a different perspective, as someone I want to pursue as a friend, not just someone I spend time with by obligation.
When I look at our relationship now, I feel tears well up. What an intentional gift and blessing that I get to call such a Godly, humble, kind woman my mother-in-law. To get to this place, many conversations have been had. Hard ones, intimidating ones, honest ones, gentle ones.
An intentional conversation can mean a relationship preserved. Think of your relationship like a garden.
As with any relationship, there will be hurts. There will be things that rub you the wrong way, that touch a sensitive spot in your heart. There will be misunderstandings and resentment where intentionality is not present. Where these things are not voiced and worked through, the weeds of resentment and distance will grow rampant. They will choke out the life that can be found in such a potentially beautiful and unique space.
So conversations between us began. My mother-in-law and I slowly started pulling one another aside when something hurt. We started asking for clarity instead of assuming. We started believing the best about one another and being willing to look one another in the eye and say “I am sorry for how I worded that.” I have a running joke with my in-laws that “To tell me is to show me you love me.” That goes both ways. I believe a conversation, even with how intimidating it can feel, is a tangible way to show your in-laws (really anyone in your life) that you value them. That you care about your relationship and are willing to do the hard work of tending to it to keep it growing healthily.
The reality is, my mother-in-law and I are different people, and that’s a beautiful thing. We come from different backgrounds and different generations. There are so many different things about us, and that means there are a multitude of ways for our relationship to be derailed. That also means there are a multitude of moments for us to choose to draw near, to lean in.
Our relationship is not perfect, nor is it stagnant. It is growing and flourishing because conversations continue to be had. I challenge you to embrace the differences you feel in your in-law relationships and step into deeper relationships with your gifted family. Show them they are worth a hard conversation that brings healing and growth.
