Conflict in Female Relationships
BY : HANNAH HUTTON
I think we have all been there.
Something is said…or not said. Something is done…or not done. There is an underlying tone in communication and suddenly it feels like there is a canyon between you and a friend.
The word to best describe it is ‘icky’, and I think ‘uncomfy’ works too.
When the broken parts of who we are brush up against one another, it can be painful, confusing, and maybe even a bit scary. To me, conflict feels even more vulnerable and difficult within close female friendships. To feel a sisterhood fracture at all is an uncomfy place to be. I know from my own experience.
Recently my closest friend and I had a miscommunication that led to hurt feelings, which then led to multiple 7 minute long voice memos clarifying, apologizing, and repairing. We chose to draw near, ask questions, be honest about the hurt, make sure we understood what the other was saying, and apologize where we needed to.
At the end of our (very long) conversation, we both, through tears, could not express enough how grateful we are to have a dear friend who links arms and walks through conflict together instead of stiff arming one another due to hurt feelings. This kind of repairing feels so incredibly raw & daunting, but it is so edifying to have a friend who is willing to do this. It is rare, but possible.
I believe it starts with being the friend to lean in. After hurting or feeling hurt, choosing to approach instead of retreat. The hurt may feel little and easier to just ignore, but I strongly believe the little hurts stack up. Little hurts that go unspoken are like a river of water that over time erodes into a deep and wide canyon. A big hurt might feel like the Grand Canyon right from the start. Both levels of hurt are so important to repair quickly.
All this sounds great, right? But the ‘how’ is what matters. I think there are a few steps to take when approaching hurt in our female friendships:
- Be the pursuer. It is possible that you were the hurt one. It is also possible that you were the one who caused the hurt. In any case, be the one to pursue. This shows your friend that your relationship matters enough to fight for. It also exercises courage and humility, both of which matter greatly in relationships.
It could look like asking, “I am noticing a bit of distance in our relationship. I just wanted to check in and see if our conversation last night caused any hurt on your end?” It could look like, “I wanted to share with you something that hurt my feelings in an effort to not let bitterness towards you grow in my heart. Do you have some time to talk on the phone today?” Start the conversation and make space for open communication.
- Be willing to listen. Maybe it is just a miscommunication like it was in my relationship. Clarifying words can be balm to a hurting heart. Reflect what you are hearing to gain deeper clarity. “Thank you for sharing. I hear you saying that…” is a great way to show someone you are tuned into their words and wanting to make sure you hear them the best you can, & how they intended. Active listening shows that their feelings matter to you.
- Own your part. This can be the hardest part, right? Knowing that we hurt someone’s feelings is never fun. Owning it is even less fun, but it is even more crucial. As uncomfy as it can feel, state it out loud. Help your friend see that you are owning your part of it. “I recognize that my words were hurtful, and I am so sorry for the lack of intention with which I spoke.” The medicine wrapped up in a genuine apology is so powerful.
- Agree on a next step. It is important to talk about the hurt AND do something about it. It could be words like “I want you to know that in the future I will be mindful of my tone. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try again. I want to grow in this and want you to tell me if it happens again.” It could be choosing to not hold the way they hurt you over their head and instead embracing forgiveness. It could be setting up a coffee date to hug it out and look each other in the eyes and speak gratitude. It could be asking to hold one another accountable. There are a myriad of next steps, each unique to the conflict. But an action step is important to work towards healing the wound.
In case you need a reminder of hope – I want you to hear it IS possible to have this kind of friendship. It takes commitment, grit, humility, and prioritizing connection and reconnection. My closest friend and I are living in the fruit of a relationship where a strong foundation of honesty has been fought for and prioritized over the years. It makes conflict feel less scary because we have built trust in our relationship. After the time we have taken to step towards one another & have these types of conversations, talking to one another is like coming home. Its is safe. Our relationship is a place where we know we are seen, cared for enough to be called out & up when needed, we will be honored, & dearly cherished by one another. It has been through conversations like these and continuing to choose to lean in that our lives have become woven so tightly together now. We are far better because of it. And, it is ongoing work.
After you finish reading this, I encourage you to assess your friendships. If there are any little hurts you’ve pushed aside or words you’ve spoken that could have caused hurt, choose to lean in. Reach out to that friend and show them they are worth the discomfort of raw honesty! I promise it will be worth it.
