How Marriage Counseling Changed Us
BY : CAROLINE SCHNEIDER
Shortly after Nelson and I got married, I bought these beautiful poster prints from Jenessa Wait to hang above our bed. The words they read are “I choose you. All the days of my life.” Now almost four years into marriage, I realize more and more how true they are. Each day I get up and choose to love my spouse. Some days it’s a magnetic pull that requires very little effort while others it’s a humbling choice to take that step towards one another. Anyone who is in a committed relationship knows this to be very true: marriage is a delicate space where two imperfect people get scarred and stitched back together over and over again.
Our marriage is a well weathered love that has stood the test of time, challenges, and honest, painful decisions. We had a very hard engagement that was full of grief, anger, doubt, misunderstanding, fights, and many tears that led us to “press pause” on our wedding plans three months before the big day. We look back on that season with deep gratitude because we gave each other the gift of time – time to heal, time to learn, time to listen, and time to patch up wounds. I’ll never forget the words Nelson said to me the day we made this decision. “I love you too much to let us get married before we’re ready.” Months before we became husband and wife, we were already living the reality that love is a choice. I’ll always feel thankful for that day despite how painful it was.
One of the most valuable tools we immediately invested in was counseling. We began going together once a month. We learned about our family dynamics, why we have big reactions to seemingly small things, our personality tendencies, and how the other gives and receives love. We acquired tools that taught us how to really listen to each other, how to disagree and have healthy fights, how to communicate in a way that resonates with the other, and how to forgive and reconcile. We took away so many good nuggets that we have been able to carry into our marriage. We enjoyed it so much that we continued making it a monthly priority that we worked into our budget. For three years, we went mostly every month. We still go when we feel we need it. Has it been costly? Yes. Has it been worth it? Also yes. It’s not always easy or fun showing up in that room… it’s humbling and even exhausting at times, but it has made all the difference in our home.
Here are a few reasons I think every marriage should invest in counseling at some point:
We all occasionally need someone on the outside to help translate what’s going on inside and help facilitate conversations that allow us to really hear ourselves and our spouse.
Hearing the truth about yourself or someone you love is always received better in a safe environment.
Creating a space to process through your feelings or what you specifically need is important and brave work.
I’m not saying every marriage needs to be in counseling all the time, but I do think there are seasons where every marriage would benefit from it. It can be a game-changer for you and your spouse, and the tools it gives you for your toolbox are invaluable. Our marriage is something I am really proud of because I know how hard we have fought for it and each other. I have so much more I want to share on the topic of marriage, and I feel privileged to get to continue doing that through Freed and Flourishing Co.
I want to leave you with a listening exercise that has been so beneficial for me and Nelson. After all, our main struggle is usually not feeling heard or understood by the other. This is great to do if you keep fighting in circles and feel like you aren’t actually getting anywhere.
You start with one of you being the “listener” and the other the “speaker”. The goal is for each of you to be understood and really heard by the other. Each of you will get a chance to be in each role, so it really does not matter who goes first.
The speaker will go first and share their experience of an event in the past, event in the present, or an unresolved conflict in your relationship.
Next, the listener will mirror what the speaker shared by saying the following: “what I heard you say was…” Give it back as best as you can then ask what percentage you got right? Keep reflecting until you get 100% from the speaker.
Then do your best to validate what they feel by saying ”it makes sense you feel that way because…”
Lastly, you do your best to empathize with what they feel. “I can relate to you feeling/experiencing _____ in this way…”
You then switch roles and the listener becomes the speaker and shares what they want to around the same event or experience.
You may be reading this and thinking it’s so scripted, but I can’t tell you the amount of times this exercise has brought us back together and connected us when we really needed it. I have so much thankfulness for the courageous choices Nelson and I have made over the years. For the hours of work we have put into our love. The shortcomings, the “I’m sorry’s”, the “I hear you’s” – they all matter. I can tell you with full certainty that it is worth it to keep making the honoring choice to love the one I’ve been entrusted with.
